Grace+M

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====Hi my names is Ryan Micintosh, im not like other boys my age, they all played sport and on the weekends and go fishing at the lake, no not me, times in London are very hard."And ever since Dad left" Mum she does her best to put food on our table shes working 12 hour days cleaning for the rix up on the hill.Most days are plain I run around with my friends and play hide and go seek. ==== ====I wake up on a cold morning.No food in the cupboards.Like a usual morning the rats are running across the cold old __wodden__ floor.Our house is close to __colapesing__. lets just say its not the flashest on the street but Mum says that were not getting a new one for quite some time,I suppose she's right.My Mum is the most lovliest lady she supports me very well.She hasn't been very happy lately probley because she has been working her fingers to the bone. ==== ====After having no breakfast I walked down the road to find my best friends Josh and Ashley,Josh's family is very wealthy.His family are very piculiare."Goodmorning chaps" I said to the boys "Hi Ryan" I was about to talk to the boys when the local police ran up to me and rudely grabed my arm "Ryan I need to speak with you right this __minite__ ""um ok" my heart stoped beating I was stone cold. The drive to the police staition was long and __nevreking__.Once I got to the station the cheif police man told me to come into his office."We need to talk ryan" my heart raced and my head was filled with many Questions like how does this man no my name, what have I done questions that have yet not been ansered.I waited for hours and hours at the police station just sitting in the cold hall waiting for mum.The doors slamed open and mum came storming in.She had a face like thunder "Ryan why am I here" she yelled I dont think Ive ever seen Mum so angry.One of the young policemen walked out "Ryan Mcintosh your Mum may come to" he walked us into the investergaters office. The investergater was a tall hansome man "Ryan where were you at friday the thirtenth at 10 o clock "um at home" "were you there mrs Mcintosh" "working" the __investergater__ looked glum "the reason im asking these questions in because the bank of london was robbed and we thought it was supishious of you to always be sitting outside with your friends", "so thats all thats all the evidence you have" I stated rudely 'No you silly little boy' enough about me tell me about you'. ==== 27.10 Hi Grace. I hope you are ok. We are missing you at school! I wonder if you put each speakers dialogue on it's own line if it would make it easier to read and for your reader to keep up with who is speaking? I will move some of the speech so you can see what I mean and underline what I've moved. Miss Paterson :) Grace I just tried to move the dialogue and for some reason all the text disappears when I try! Maybe my idea won't work but perhaps you could try it as you go with the rest of the story? to be finished :) Reach for the stars never sit for the clouds. The shaggy dog brushed past me.

Hey Grace, im looking forward to hear the end of this story. Maybe you could change the light blue so you can read it a bit more clearly. Eilish B :)

//Great start Grace :) Hey Grace do you need a full stop somewhere in the area I underlined? Miss Paterson :)//

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Good job Grace it's awesome and it made me want to keep reading. Maybe you could double check the full stops and capitals some time????? :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) ======

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And the bit where it says "Ever since dad left mum," //(Maybe this bit just needs some punctuation. Perhaps a comma? Miss Paterson) // doesn't make sence to me. But that could just be me! ! ! ! ! Great job Grace. Keep it up! ! ! ! ! ! :) ====== Carla

Great story Grace i'm looking forward to reading more. :)

thank you for all the great feed back :) :) :) :) :) :) Grace

Hey Grace, good to see you story growing. When you reread it you might want to put the speech on seperate lines so your reader can clearly see who is talking. Also as you reread what you have done before you add more you might like to think about paragraphs as well. Miss Paterson :)

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(") (") here is the bunny Grace, Great job start, keep up the exellent work :) ♥

Alex  This is a really cool story grace!But there is a few spelling mistakes I've underlined the ones that I can see!!!Can't wait for you to add more. XD <3 Chancey your a genius !! Awesome story !!! Don't forget to add more(: xx- Eily R A.K.A Chancey