Miss+Paterson

I will try very hard to put some writing on this page when I'm not reading and commenting on everyone else's :) I will do my editing in another colour so you can see where I'm changing things and get an idea of how I am thinking as I proofread.

13/08/10 It was white. White everywhere. I was in a Like being in a big thick cotton wool cloud. Even the ground was white but I could feel the hard ground underneath that lay below go my cold frozen feet. I put out my hand and reached it out as far as my arm would reach go. I could still make it out through the thick white blur. Nothing else could be seen I couldn't see anything else. I was enveloped in thick falling snow. Reaching out to the side of me, I felt, searched. I reached out to the side and felt. Searched. Ahh. Good. I could feel a fence. My security. I moved (inched?, shuffled? crept?) forward shuffling my hand along the fence as I walked I hoped hoping I was walking in the right direction.My common sense told me I was. I knew I was. But a niggle of doubt haunted my thoughts. My face was cold. It was so quiet. I kept going. I shuffled my hand along the cold hard snow covered fence until it disappeared. A shot of panic sprang through my mind. No more fence. Was it a driveway? Was I coming to a road? I couldn't see. My heart was beating. I was scared. I took a step. Nothing to hold onto to guide me. My foot dropped down a bit. Didn't feel like a gutter. Must be a driveway. "If i go straight I should find the fence again," I told myself inside my head. Tentatively, scared of slipping, I continued forward. Constantly reaching around looking for the fence again. I started reaching around in alll directions in a panic. It should be here somewhere. My movements were becoming became more urgent. I told myself to calm down. But where is it? What will I do if I can't find it? I find myself slipping towards the ground. Falling into the white blanket. Am I ok? I AM OK. It's the gutter. I am in the wrong place. The opposite direction to the fence. My heart is beating. I'm scared. The tears well up. I don't want to be by myself Loneliness overcomes me. I don't want to deal with this. I get myself up onto my feet feeling the ground with my hands so I can step safely over the edge of the gutter. I shuffle I slide my feet away from the gutter as if there are roller skates on my feet. The fence must be here somewhere. The panic is returning. The fear creeping in. The tears leaking out. Here it is. I found it. I move my whole body so I am close to it. I move slowly forward keeping my new friend close. Working out how far I will have to go before the really scary bit. The bit I'm dreading. I keep going. Tripping. Wiping my eyes so I can see the whiteness around me better. Never letting go.

It must be now. I'll do it now. I'll just do it. I turn so that my back is touching the fence. My security blanket. My guide. I walk forward very slowly. Feeling for the gutter with my feet. Here it is. I stand there. Dreading the next move. I can't see anything. If I can't see anything through the thick white blanket then nothing can see me. Will I hear a car? Will I see it's lights? Will it see me in the lights? Will I have time to get away? The ground is slippery. What if I fall? I feel the tears pouring out now. I didn't realise that was happening ﻿I was crying until the warm tears cooled and chilled my cheeks. Stop it. STOP IT. I really don't want to do this. I don't want to walk across that road. I remind myself I always walk across this same bit of road. But is this the right place to cross. I don't know if I have gone too far or not far enough. It looks different in a blizzard. Why do we have to have all those little kids in our house? Why can't my mum pick me up from school like the other mothers? Why does dad have to take the car to work.

I start to walk. I walk faster. Straight ahead. I slip and slide a bit. Was that noise me? I'm so scared. I'm shaking. I begin to walk again. Slower. Is that a car? Oh no, oh no. I keep moving. Where is that other gutter? Where is that other path? I wonder what will happen if I get hit by a car. How will they know who I am? Will the car stop? Will my mum cry? Will my dad? Or will they be too busy with the little kids? Stop it. Stop thinking it. Where is that path? Where is it?!!!! Ahhhh... here it is! I breathe in. Did I breathe when I was crossing the road? i don't think so.

Whhhhooooossshhhh. I stand frozen to the edge of the road. That was a car. A fast car. I watch the orange tail lights disappear into the white mush nothingness. I am shaking. Not from the cold but from the thoughts of 'what if'. What if I had have been still crossing the road? My earlier questions were answered. There is no way I would have outrun that car. Ok move. MOVE! I step up over the gutter and stop. Which way? Which way? I turn to my left and shuffle to my right. Reaching searching. Looking for a fence. A letter box. Anything that will help me feel safe and let me know where I am ﻿ guide me. I keep reaching. The panic coming over me again. The tears smothering my eyes. Drowning them. Is my mum wondering where I am? Worrying about me? My school bag is cutting into my back. I wish I could just leave it right here. But I don't want to get into trouble. Where is that fence? Ahhh here it is. Tears of relief flow. I don't care now. I tell myself I can cry if I want to. Just walk and cry. I walk sliding my wet mitten along the top of the fence. Walking. Feeling. Looking Searching for a mail box. Looking Hunting for a mailbox that has the number 160 etched into it. Looking Seeking fo r the mailbox that belongs to my house. My home.

I find a mail box. I wipe the snow off the front of it hoping that it is mine. It isn't. One hundred and seventy two 172. I'm close, very close. I walk faster. Braver over the driveways. Even letting go of the fence at times but grabbing at it again when the panic sets in. 170, 168... I walk faster. I don't even stop to read the next few. I keep going. This must be it. I wipe the front. One hundred and sixty. Yep it is. I look again. I push the snow covered gate open. I push hard. there is so much snow. There is too much snow behind it. I'm not strong enough to push it. I climb over it. I carefully walk up the path and find the door. My door. I open it and go in. I'm home. No one fusses over me. No one missed me. No one was worried about me. My sisters were grizzling. Mum was grumping at them. I walk off to my room. "Pick up your bag. Don't leave it lying there," my mum yelled. "Don't just storm away." My house is bedlam. But it is my home and I'm safe. I'm here.

hay this is hamish my work has disappeared and i dont know what happened to it.:(

Draft only! I haven't edited or proofread. This story was motivated by a short period in time. It is something from my childhood that scared me. The day I had to walk home from school in Twizel through a blizzard. I wish I had have written some of my thoughts and fears down then. I haven't forgotten some of them though.